Falling Out

I think I'll let myself go.
I think I'll just pack up and leave.
These bones are wearing thin,
Hurting when I think aloud,
I think it's time to start again.

Every now and then I see bits of me passing by
After I handed them out like tricks on Halloween.
I always thought they would return,
Like cheap gifts on Christmas,
Like unrequited love on Valentines;
But they were always ignored like Boxing Day.

I just want to lean on God's ear for a while,
In the mountains or maybe just away from here.
I fear the desperation so like all my fears I will carry it along,
Place it in front of Him and ask Him about the closed doors,
Of minor characters and final chords.

I placed those I loved where I could not reach,
In the heavens, among the stars,
And that's my fault and only mine.
So this one's for me.

Sleeping Worry

Nightly worries always come out at the darkest hour;

Sad, small things that scurry beneath the bed.

Neither truly evil nor unavoidable;

They slip unnoticed into our bedroom sanctuaries,
Leaving doubts,

Fears,

Worries,

Longings,

Remembered mistakes,

In the dark,
In their wake.

So stay awake and hear their songs lingering on towards the dawn,
When these things retreat leaving their bad seeds behind for you to keep.

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Off the Floor, In the Yard

It's an odd beast, isn't it?
This thing called hope;
Always coming back after it's been kicked down,
Discarded and disbelieved,
Tucked away in some desk drawer for the night.

It's not always a brighter tomorrow.
It might be a head above water, off the floor,
A resignation to try again.
Surprising lungs full of air, sudden silences in the yard,
At the very least it's making it through the day.
It's not always pretty, picking yourself up again,
But it is enough.

Three Scenes

A Scene

I wanted to write you a letter,

Hoping the waves would hold their course.

Knowing someone could get drunk off of you

But I wound up with an empty cup.

Be Seen

Some days the world holds sunlight;

Alive and dancing in halls of hospitals, schools, and cities.

So bathed in sunlight we are washed away.

See, Seeing, Saw

There are doors and halls

Leading to more halls and doors.

We're all so well dressed, our best.

Different clogs, different clicks, here's your exit.

Time makes strangers of us all.

Girl

She shook,
Afraid to be simply a supporting soul
In someone else's story,
So she simply breathed.
Out
And in.
Out
And in.
And started again, constructing her citadel.

Her walls were monolithic against the sky,
Even birds soared below their spires.
The walls kept the winter winds away
And gave shade from the summer heat.
But most importantly, it kept the city at bay.

The city was a surge from a sea of people;
A million ants swarming in the colony
All moving as an indomitable glacier.
She was right to build herself into a fortress.

She is safe behind the walls
And that's all that matters.
No shadows were left,
She shone into all the corners of her kingdom,
Sweeping away the encroaching darkness.

She is finally free to be who she needs.

Boy

Some days you just don't see coming.

Born from quiet desperation,
He attached his devotion
To any person willing to look his way.
Loss of blood, lack of heart
Let someone hold it, they stole it, tore it apart.

Remember the boy at the end of the street.
Bright eyed and light hearted,
Speaking with words honest and earnest,
All to his fault.
Best intentions fell aground on malicious inventions
Born from self-preservation of innocence.

He embodied an apology,
The way some men are forever stuck downtown,
Always wishing the grass was greener at home.
So the boy split himself up and let parts of him go,
Home with those he thought who needed him most.
A boy apart, on shelves and beds, just some abstract art.

Now he's taking himself back,
A tendon, a muscle, a bone, a sinew at a time;
Everything coming together in its right place.
He was terrified at how whole he could be.
Starting again the process of being,
By learning to walk and learning breathe,

The boy came alive and the boy became fine,
Recovered himself and restarted his journey.
A little bit hurt, a little bit new,
The boy was himself and that was enough.

Nightly Window

It's impossible to sleep with a hurting heart

So perhaps that's why I feel like a ghost here

Falling in love with shadows and ruins

And my vintage, water-colored childhood.

Green came streaking through the trees and grass

With blue hues cascading from the heavens

And red leaked from your young yearning heart

As innocence earnestly ran in the streets.

What's the point of time when minutes are hours and hours minutes;

Everything stopped making sense as soon as head met pillow.

You became legend and myth
As my sleep deprived thoughts
Shaped my waking perceptions.
You can be such a spectre,
Shattering at first sunlight.
You were the thunder,
The lightning,
The rain.
You were a storm and I all could do was stand there and wait.
I wanted to waltz across the deserts and oceans with you.
Afraid that I would trip and wake with fright,
I let you lead and I drowned in your seas of sand and foam
And I was bathed in salt and heat.

Bloody nose on bloody pillows,

Stayed awake all night, had nightmares to fight.

I dreamed of spiders stalking over my bed,

So I lurched from sleep, afraid I was followed into waking.

Storms never had me worried before, taking comfort from ferocity,

But now I woke with fear as rain met my window;
A pane of glass was all that was between me and the cold and dark.
It all sounded like the world was ending that night.

Hit the bed and fell awake

Before sleep walking beneath the sun.

Once I dreamed of golden shores, now far away and hard to find.

Sometimes I still feel comfort in trying to sleep.

I let the cold air of the room drive me below the covers.

It's not that I mind the cave that I've created,

I just think I've fallen a little too far down;

Sleep would be nice by now.

To Build A Home

A home is a good thing to want.

Four walls to keep the world from seeping in;
A harbor, a fortress, a place to sleep away Saturdays.

Let's make it all sacred, let's make it all safe;
We'll have enough wear and tear when we return from out there.

A house is made of wood and brick and by design
But a home is light and love grown on hallowed ground.

Remember a home is not built all in one night
It will take time but you must do it right.

So gather your patience and gather your wit
Raise up your walls and build them thick.

After all, you're building not just for yourself,
To raise a real home you must not remain alone

Friends and family and some that blur the lines,
Or maybe you'll have just the One but all can lend a hand.

If you build it right then the laughter and stories will echo on,
Long after you're gone.

Wonders We Lost

Every moment I held dear, left in slow motion.

Fireworks rose above the trees as we children laughed and dreamed.
Fall fell and we all grew a little bit older, a little bit colder, as the trees slept.
Snow blew horizontal, a pure curtain parted as I passed through the drifts.
Puddles soon swelled up from impacts of bare feet dancing in the street.

Hellos are lost and goodbyes linger.
Tall trees are laid low in the wake of storms,
While others grow up after death takes what it wants.
Some days you came home from school
Just to find out that the dog had been put to sleep.
Distance grew between between friends up the street,
Inch by broken concrete inch.

Some days have been easier to remember than others.

I found my breath that Sunday afternoon,

In my lungs hidden beneath skin and bones and sunlight.

The rain that splashed my lips

Was the closest I've had to a pure kiss.

We walked the town with the future over our heads

Where years before I spoke the words Tuesday wrote.

Talks between friends that lasted late into summer nights,

Lying innocently to ourselves that we would change the world.

Wasted hours were never wasted with friends,

On couches and floors, in front of screens or outdoors.

I wish I had breathed a little slower, a little surer;
Made every breath a "Hallelujah"

I think it is no ill thing to visit the past
As long as you don't linger and listlessly lean on it for support.

Sometimes we all need to relive our stories.

Care

One day I woke up
And fell out of love.
There was no warning.
There was no confusion.
It just happened
With such clarity too;
It was alarming
How easy it was,
As easy as say...
Pulling off the sheets,
Rubbing sleep from eyes,
Stretching with sinews singing
Towards the ceiling.
I don't think it's you,
I don't know if it's just me,
Nothings hurts,
Nothing is wrong,
So maybe it'll be best
To wait and see.
It's easy to be
Comfortably complacent;
No catalyst
No motivation
No loss,
At first.
It takes hard work
To start a new fire
Once the heart goes dark.